What's up with...?

I’ve been getting all types of questions, for the most part they equate to “What’s up with you and your blog?”

If I could answer that question… You probably wouldn’t be asking it, honestly, lol.

Before I get into that, I want to say thank you to everyone that really supports me, pushes me to overcome these types of things, and really wants to hear what I have to say. You are greatly appreciated, I love you, and I definitely want to be here doing this for you!

Now… to me.

I’ve felt a lack of words to speak, or maybe just a lack of being heard… in my personal life, but of course that immediately translates to my creative life. Even now, I decided to take my own advice (which I’ve given to a few friends of mine) to just… write.

What’s on your mind? What have you been up to? What are you looking forward to?

I couldn’t even begin to answer those questions. Considering the influx of blessings I’ve experienced (i.e. the new apartment, making it through 2020, starting a new job), I’ve found myself feeling very underwhelmed. Not sad necessarily… well, not sad all the time. Just, underwhelmed, majorly. Trying to figure out who I am, what I want, how to make assertions… they all seem like quite difficult tasks to me.

I recognize that all of these things are a part of growing up, also, more than likely a part of learning to live on your own, but sometimes it just feels like a chore. Having to choose to “be” is different when you don’t have somebody in your space 24/7. It’s actually quite easy to just become a hermit and not want to be bothered with anybody, lol. I’m laughing… I know that’s not funny, but it’s funny how honest that statement is. Living alone, you have to figure out who you want to “be” for yourself, not for your roommates, not for your significant other, not for your parents… just for you. Because you’re the only person in that space… always.

Up until now my journey to 30 has been a big motivating topic for me. Covid hit and I didn’t share a lot of 2020 with ya’ll or anybody outside of those experiencing with me. Now, 30 is looming over my head in ways I want to express… I will express, in time.

Truthfully, this blog began to feel really heavy as an eye into my thoughts and my vulnerability. High level when I started it felt like a release, and just a tool to help others like me. Although, that is still its purpose, I know I need to reevaluate how I go about that and what it really means to me. Not as a release, but as a creative venture that will eventually pull truths out of my history that I find hard to face. As a public sounding board for acknowledgment that I don’t always feel as D.O.P.E. as I want you to feel.

I’m human…

But you already know that, lol.

I want to write, but I don’t know my direction, I don’t know my goal, I don’t know my desires right now. Or maybe I do and I’m fearful of what comes with embracing those things…

As simple, and inconspicuous as even this entry probably reads, there’s a lot of anxiety sitting in my chest, welling in my eyes, because facing your truth is hard… it’s abrasive and scary.

What’s up with me… honestly, I’m working to get back to this baby of mine and to come back in a manner that is impactful to you and anybody else that reads what I choose to share… aaaaaannnnndddd I need to go back to therapy, lol. Not a funny topic, but if you read that in my voice, I’m sure you get why I’m chuckling… I’m nervous, lol.

This… is my acknowledgment that I dropped the ball here.

I’ve stepped away from myself to figure out who this next version of myself really is. AND THAT’S OKAY! Please don’t read this like I feel shameful or anything… learning new pieces of yourself is just a piece of life. We are all ever changing, ever growing, and ever needing for new and different things as we mature and experience the world as created by God. I just know I’m aiming to be a better me.

Soooooo, I am definitely, definitely, definitely making the effort to come back and take Michelle B to the next step! There’s a story tell and I’m the only person that can tell it, I know! I have a lot of things I want to say that I know are not going to make some people happy (I hear ya’ll saying it’s not about them, lol), but I still have to prepare myself for what comes from truly truly being vulnerable in a space like this. Just be patient with me :).

So, let’s start this conversation… what’s up with you? How have you been feeling? What’s your D.O.P.E. story to kick off 2021? I’m thinking of some new ways to really come back and share more of myself and be more interactive with the world, to give more voice and more personality to these words of mine. Just pray for me sis the way I’m praying for you!

Share your praise stories below! Comment and like on IG, Facebook, Tumblr… wherever! I love you, I miss you, and as always I want nothing but DOPEness for you!