Change

Change comes in inexplicably uncomfortable large waves… for me anyway.

I’m sitting here staring at my computer like, where do I even start with this…

Living life is such a time consuming thought filled process for me. I feel like I’m in such a weird place right now and I have such conflicting feelings about what I want to do with myself and my personal life, which is crazy considering my professional life is flourishing in ways I hadn’t expected it would this year.

I’ve been having some very profound conversations with people that I respect in many, many ways and these conversations have led me to more and more deep diving into self-discovery, and realizing my changing mindset as I approach certain life milestones.

Change is such a scary thing, for everybody. Just a note, don’t forget you’re not alone in your battles.

So, the spark for this week’s topic… desirable expectation vs reality.

I was programmed into believing in certain protocols and steps of progressing toward success, like many of my close friends that are attempting to break archetypal expectations and teachings. I know my views and desires were developed from young teachings and understandings in both the religious realm as well as the “secular” world. I’ve always felt different than the typical “christian girl” because of my views and my passions to be who I believe God has told me I am vs what other people have interpreted the bible to mean for us all as a whole.

Those teachings and beliefs aren’t just based in Good vs Bad. They’re developed in a set of rules that are given and then contradictorily we’re told to read and understand them for ourselves when how we interpret our relationship with God and the ways we choose to live our lives won’t always be accepted.

Choose to be different… it’s ok! That’s a different topic in and of itself, however. My focus today are the preconceived milestones and predetermined activities that I developed in my mind through those teachings that are now being thrown out of the window as I actively progress through life, and have to fight the vision of what I had, to reach new versions of those successes based on what my reality is dictating.

For example, a big debate for me over the last year has been purchasing a home. Home buying and establishing that type of stability or permanence I should say was ALWAYS something I wanted to do with my husband… whom I’ve also confessed before that I thought I would be married to by 25 LOL, still laughable. Now, I’m quickly approaching 29, looking at 30 just over the horizon next year, and more of my focus is on the fact that I’ve never actually lived on my own or had a space that was mine… just mine… ALL mine. WOW! Now, I’ve been blessed to be in positions to not have to struggle on my own and for that I am truly thankful, but as I hit professional mile markers that aid in my ability to invest more in myself and my personal self care I realize that’s something so detrimental to knowing who I am before knowing and sharing myself with anyone else. Especially when thinking about how permanent marriage is from my perspective.

What does this have to do with anything? There’s always the debate of renting vs buying and honestly in the world today I am more inclined to buy because of the investment and the return on income that I know will come as a result. So, where does that leave me? Owning a home without a husband, LOL, because I’m no closer to being married than I was when I first manifested that idea in my head. BUT that’s okay!

We have to be so forgiving to ourselves for not fulfilling these magnificent ideas that we had at these ages where we couldn’t even begin to fathom what reality would be like… just had deja vu, definitely feel like I’ve said that somewhere else before, lol.

No, I am not yet a home owner but I will be, and SOON. I don’t know what God is setting me up for, but I know it’s something so ridiculously D.O.P.E. I couldn’t even imagine it where I am right now. He is, however, laying a path for me to gain the desires of my heart in ways I didn’t realize I could attain them, even though they’re happening in ways other than what I planned; that’s the testimony behind things happening in God’s time and not in yours.

I will say that my biggest misconception here was the idea of permanence and buying a home being that final factor in settling down and finding my nesting grounds to build a family and whatever empire God has waiting for me. The bottom fell out of that myth with my ability to stand tall on my own two feet the way my mother always encouraged me to.

We are so powerful! Women really make the world go round, and you don’t need a man to do WHATEVER that goal is you’ve been waiting on. I mean… I didn’t feel like I needed man to buy a house though LOL, it was honestly more of an intimate and bonding milestone for me. I’m realizing that choosing to tackle this obstacle alone doesn’t mean I’m going to be alone, just means I’ll be even more of a resource and capable partner when I do reach that part of my life.

Sometimes, we lose things or don’t make it to certain goals we’ve set our minds on because there’s something we still need to work on and CHANGE about ourselves. You can’t grow the way you need to while in your comfort zone. Sometimes you’re going to be kicked out of the sucker unexpectedly and find yourself free falling until you pull the right string to release your parachute and help you land safely on the target God was always leading you to.

Happy Wednesday! Don’t fight whatever change comes at you today and always remember…

BeD.O.P.E.!