I am a Black Woman
From the diary of a black woman…
Yes… I know I haven’t posted in a while….
For that I’m sorry.
What happened you ask?
If I could answer that question maybe it wouldn’t have happened.
Moment of transparency and pure honesty… Sometimes it’s hard.
I hit a wall of sorts. It hasn’t happened in a while, but this isn’t the first time I’ve hit this wall. It’s a mixture of an anxiety episode and insecure feelings of not being enough, which is also a side effect of fearfulness and uncertainty.
I am a 28 year old black woman, searching for my purpose, longing to belong somewhere, and struggling with “what’s next”. I’m always responsible and always handle what has to be handled. Fortunately, I’m a functioning individual that struggles with anxiety, I thank God for that trait everyday because I know some women that aren’t so fortunate… just in case one of them is reading this, I love you and I understand your struggle. Remember you are not alone.
That goes for any men reading this that have this struggle too, I understand and I love you… don’t give up.
I’m sure some people will read this and think, “she’s so brave for sharing.”
Others will read and think, “wow, it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that goes through that.”
And a few people may even think, “I’ll never understand how somebody can, blah blah blah.”
My anxiety is actually skyrocketing as I’m writing this, but it needs to be written for personal reasons. I’m sure I’ll experience another surge of anxiety when I try to post this… if I actually go through with posting, know I’m proud of myself… even if you aren’t proud of me.
Somebody once asked me what it was like to experience anxiety because they couldn’t grasp worrying about something that hadn’t yet happened, it didn’t “make sense” to them. I’ve heard that so many times… I’ve been judged more times than I can remember, even by people that suffer from it as well but can’t understand my specific struggle with it.
What I hate most… when somebody says, “just don’t think about it like that.” If it were that easy, I’d choose to not suffer from it at all.
It’s not that easy…
I feel I have a unique situation when it comes to this. I am a very logical person. Logically, it makes no sense to be worried about what has yet to come or the mysteries of the future. Maybe my logical side is what makes me functioning in the midst of a mental storm. My emotional side goes off the deep end, however.
My current emotional state is stuck in a “limbo” where I’m acknowledging my success up to this point, evaluating what/why I can’t seem to take the next step to do whatever it is I’m trying to do, and questioning where I’m going… what exactly am I trying to do? I currently have no idea what my destination is. On top of those feelings I’m also terrified of “new” things in my life that I’m still learning. Trying to find a new balance after just finding it in my previous circumstance. Things that are taking me into uncharted areas of life and cause a sense of instability because of the unknown. Nothing bad, but I don’t necessarily do well without control… side effects of unspoken past experiences.
I’ve always viewed my tears as a symbol of failure and weakness. I must teach myself they are more of a release than a disease.
Why that’s important? I can’t always explain them, nor can I control the magnitude to which they flow. Sometimes I feel a weight so heavy on my heart that it feels like my brain can’t breathe. Sometimes… it comes out of thin air. Other times, it comes from minuscule situations that are out of my control and don’t even make sense to me why they cause such a battle within myself.
When I was younger, my anxiety felt like I was sitting in the middle of the street suffocating and nobody could see me…
It comes in waves. I can be perfectly fine at the height of a happy moment, and an immediate shift can come out of no where. Something small because of worry, that small worry develops into an expansive doubt, that expansive doubt then turns into an insatiable feeling of impossibility. That impossible idea then turns into fighting to get out of the bed to go to work or going out with friends… even essentials like eating or drinking enough water for the day. It may be small to you, but who made you God?
This actually seems cliche to me, because I feel I’ve seen posts like this so many times before, but don’t forget to check on your “strong” friend. Sometimes their strength isn’t quite as unbreakable as you may think it is.
I am an observer… I watch and react based off what I have witnessed. In my mind, if you don’t notice, I’m not important enough for you to pay attention to. There are more people that think like me… don’t forget those friends. They need you more than ever.
A very special person recently told me I didn’t need to prove anything, but I am a 28 year old black woman in a world created for my destruction and the destruction of my people… I have to prove everything.
I’m a black woman… we aren’t allowed to cave or break down or lose our footing… there are too many people depending on us.
That’s what we hear anyway… And it’s BS.
That truth alone takes my mind through the ringer a million times a day. Proving millennials aren’t lazy and they are loyal. Proving I can do whatever I put my mind to. Proving I can do my work 10 x better than the person next to me so I’m not overlooked for the next opportunity. Proving to myself I’m worth everything God promised me. Proving to my loved ones I can be okay just like “normal” people. Proving my sex and race don’t define me based on the societal stereotypes that run this world. Proving I’m comfortable in my skin even when I don’t fully understand the complexity of my skin. Proving… proving… proving.
Always proving…
I haven’t posted because I’ve hit writer’s block in proving to myself I am actually a writer and people care what I have to say.
Before you say it… should it matter? No… But does it matter? Absolutely.
Stop asking the question that’s obvious to you and ask the one that makes you uncomfortable because you don’t understand it. Stop putting people like me into a box that you fit into, because we can’t conform to your box and understand your logic. Be supportive… that’s what your friend like me needs today… a friend.
Don’t judge me…
I’m human, too.
The next step is being kind to myself and remembering that I can do whatever I’m trying to do and it doesn’t have to fit the “pretty” picture I try to make everything fit into. It’s okay to not be 100% all the time, but how I move forward pass that does matter. Time to figure out what the next step is on this journey of mine.
Be. D.O.P.E.
P.S. Thanks to J for encouraging me and always being who she is to me. My best friend is definitely the GOAT.