My walk with Christ

A good friend of mine suggested that I write about my spiritual journey because my perspective could be of help to somebody out there. I’ve been dwelling on what that post would even look like for a long time and I think this is my chance to stand on my own two feet as the woman I have grown to be and acknowledge my faith and my beliefs as an adult rather than what they “had to be” as a child.

Growing up in a COGIC christian household, everybody knows what I mean when I say “had to be.” Waking up every Sunday for church, bible study every Wednesday night, vacation bible school every summer, on as many ministries as you can handle as a little person, i.e. usher board, youth choir, or the praise dance team, and running up to the Pastor/Bishop/Shepard of the church after every service to say your hello’s and show you’re a good christian child. Oh, and don’t forget the church services that turned into praise services lasting for approximately 2 hours with nothing but praise ushered into the house by the band and choir on those Sunday’s when the leader of the house is out for whatever the reason may be. That was life for me. I’m extremely thankful to my mother for being holy and full in her faith to never let me fall by the waste side; she is the foundation of my faith and my peace in being who I am as a Christian woman.

As a child it was necessary to help me understand where my protection, favor, and blessings came from. My mother always told me she knew I was special when she found out she was pregnant with me at 44. I meet new people all the time and I am always told there’s a glow about my presence and who I am as a black woman that I can’t take credit for. I am who I am because my mother covered me in the spirit and asked God to walk with and protect me through all my days. I do not make moves without first consulting God and then waiting for his validation that what I am trying to do is a part of his plan for me. I know he placed me on this earth for a purpose and that’s what I pray every day to move closer to attaining to make him, as well as my father, proud.

When you’re growing up in a black church, you’re kept out of grown folks business… like most things when it comes to the black community. The politics that come along with being a member of a church are truly disheartening sometimes, but we’re protected from that as kids most of the time. There are a lot of judgmental people within the church and, although I have not experienced it as much first hand, I have watched people very near and dear to me be victimized by the church. You don’t understand snide remarks and underhanded comments when you’re 7 or 8, but you see the affects of them down the road when those who were attacked are no longer around.

Let me redirect you, however, because this post is not about my negative experiences with my faith but rather how I continue to move forward with it no matter what.

As I said, my mother had me when she was 44 years old, which added a different layer to my church experience. Everyone assumed I was her grand daughter because of the age gap, but I was treated with a sense of protection; especially after my father passed. That’s probably my favorite thing, having an extended family that watched over and protected me no matter what. My protection comes from the kind and nurturing spirit my mother has that was also passed on to me. I hear so often how beautiful my spirit is and how comfortable people can be with me… which again I credit that all to God.

I, like many college students, slowly drifted away from my overly frequent attendance at church. I found hesitance in sitting under teaching and preaching in a new place of worship; mainly because you never know what those leaders are practicing in their personal lives. I grew up with a Bishop that was accepted by my family, presented himself with the same spirit in front of the congregation as he did in the private presence of my family, him and his family helped mine in a time of transition after they moved to VA, and, if for no other reason, I clung to him because he favored my father’s physical appearance. He taught me everything I know and practice in my personal life because he leads by example. He was a true angel and I’m thankful for him and everyone else that helped mold me into the woman of God that I can openly say I am today.

But!

I am not an angel.

I am not a perfect church girl.

I am not the child I use to be.

I love all types of music. I have my periodic run in with use of less than desirable language. I have tattoos and piercings. I drink occasionally. I don’t always make the “right” decisions. I criticize myself. I struggle with loving myself. I struggle with loving others.

I. Am. Human.

My walk with Christ is about self-reflection, being faithful, and doing good while on this Earth. We only get one chance to do life, and I choose to do life with God everyday. He covers me, helps lead my way on the path he predestined for me, and helps me leave a piece of him with every person I come in contact with. When I hear about that light or glow that tends to follow me, I thank God for blessing me with faith so visible it shines through my presence. I know I am not perfect and I pray that nobody holds me to that standard… it’s too heavy a burden to try to bear. I know I make mistakes and at times I punish myself for not being what I thought I would be as an adult. It’s hard living up to something that I couldn’t have understood as a child, but I do my best to live up to being a good God fearing woman. I treat others with love and kindness as much as possible, and don’t let this world get to me in ways I can’t control. I do believe in scripture and the stories told of God and his will for us as his children, but I understand those stories were written by men.

I’m not here to convince anybody of what I believe. If you take nothing else from this, the one thing I ask you to do is to look at your life and decide if you are living one you would want your children to live. Are you creating a legacy to make God proud? There are so many walks of faith; from denomination to denomination and then within each denomination. I challenge you to not just be a body in a faith you don’t understand or accept anything less than what you truly know and feel is right. Our godliness is in how we treat others, how we treat ourselves, and how we pass on joy peace and love. I believe God placed me here for reason and I pray I touch as many people with that vision and love as I possibly can.

Something that I struggle with largely is with disappointing my family, mainly my mother. I often find myself looking at my life and wondering how far I’ve fallen from the tree, but as soon as I question myself I learn new things about my spiritual mentors that I never would have guessed; these things make me realize we’re all only human. Accepting I am no longer a child and that’s it’s okay to make my own decisions is the most challenging part of being an adult for me. As the days move forward I get more comfortable with being in my own skin and trying not to live a life that others tell me I should live. I don’t fit into the textbook definition of what a Christian woman is and I know that. Sometimes… that scares me the most… but then I remember God still loves me. I am his child.

My relationship with God is my most prized possession.

Be courageously different, even if the “norm” doesn’t always agree… they can’t see a vision that wasn’t created for them.

I have flaws and I have a long way to go to be the best version of myself that I can be, but I am working towards that goal everyday, every hour, every minute, and every second. I enjoy life because it’s a blessing God grants me everyday I wake up, and I am not shameful of loving him the way I do or living my life to the best of my ability the way I have.

Remember, next time before you judge that person, act in love.

It’s not always about matching up to somebody else’s holiness… everybody’s level grows at it’s own pace, the same way everybody’s D.O.P.E. isn’t at the same level.

Be the D.O.P.E. child of God he created you to be. Somebody is waiting to experience your blessings and somebody needs to be influenced by your faith and purpose.