Married to Writing

I’ve had quite the journey as a writer. A majority of my struggle is moving forward despite my insecurities and fears. It’s always been interesting to me how traumatic experiences tend to automatically translate into life changing events. Looking back on my childhood before age 12, I was so different than who I am now. I was a tomboy that only wore loose clothes with straight backs and LOVED playing sports.

A month after my 12th birthday my father lost his battle to lung cancer, and it changed my life forever. I don’t remember if the change was immediate, but I do know the 6 months that followed his passing transitioned my life from athlete to artist. I started writing poetry, dancing, and discovered I had inherited the ability to draw from my mother. I was already the oddball in my family wanting to run around with all the boys to play basketball, football, baseball, and anything else that my mother would allow me to do, but was told it was too boyish. Then I had to deal with wanting to be a dancer and writer, but being told that would lead me to be a starving artist.

Now, that I’m older I know that I was just misunderstood, but I was standing in my purpose even though others couldn’t see it. Self expression, art, and performing was a part of me that was unleashed due to my father leaving this earth, but I had to grasp the fact that it was always my destiny to become who I am. Nobody else can see the destination for the calling God has placed on your life the way you can, you have to walk that path to find it for yourself.

Writing started as a coping mechanism to deal with my father dying. It helped me form words and thoughts I couldn’t verbally communicate, and release pent up anger and sadness that I didn’t feel I had the chance to release. My dad was like my best friend and he was gone… I didn’t have my defender and protector anymore, I literally had to figure it out on my own. Putting words on a page that represent me and what I believe, think, and pray for saved me from being anti-social and an introvert/hermit, truthfully. When I’m feeling overwhelmed and anxious, I love to sit and write my stream of emotions to calm my mind, body, and spirit, but then I have to keep moving and not let the feelings that build up keep me down.

God definitely took his time while molding me. I have desires to be adventurous, I love hard, I’m an observer and do my best to think before reacting, but most importantly I pray before making any huge decisions and put my decision in God’s hands. Writing is something I never really needed to question, but it is the main thing affected by the obstacles life throws at me. I knew I needed to re-evaluate what I wanted and who I was when it got too hard to write anything a few years back. I would try to pick up a pen and paper and just jot down ideas, but even that was difficult. I hadn’t written any poetry I deemed quality in years, and I felt my writing journey had abruptly ended, but I didn’t know why. How could something I loved so much just leave me? The reality I had to accept was I had left my love not the other way around.

2018 started my journey of healing from stressful work environments, stressful living situations, being confused about my purpose, and broken relationships, both romantic and platonic. I was forced into a place that made me re-evaluate what I wanted out of life and how I planned to get there. I found that I had been chasing after something that was never mine, something that was never meant to be my final destination, but I had become complacent and in my complacency I was lost. My motivation and drive had disappeared, I felt like I wasn’t good enough and all of the things I wanted didn’t want me, but I realized I wanted for things I didn’t need and those wants were superficial . God created me to give life and uplift others, not to depend on others for my purpose or find my purpose in the dreams of those around me. Those wants that weren’t birthed in me were draining me and turning me into somebody I never want to be again… a servant focused on making somebody else succeed, not worried about my own success and the fruits God blessed me with to give to the world.

After I started to gain my sense of self back and realized I needed to love myself, I found my love of writing again. It didn’t matter what I wrote, as long as I was trying and not doubting myself. The greatest part about finding my way back to my path of success were the supporters that had always believed in me and one new supporter that I didn’t plan on gaining, that heard my dream of becoming an author and motivational speaker and immediately started to push and encourage me to fight for that dream no matter what. They were the motivation I thought I was lacking and the drive I needed to push through.

One small seed and ambition spiraled into this website and the D.O.P.E. movement, because I forgot how D.O.P.E. I was. I realize, as a black woman, no matter how low we get on ourselves we continue to uplift and build up EVERYONE else around us. Sometimes we don’t get the same effort in return and then we lose all of our energy because we’ve given our all to a cause that isn’t our own. We find peace after we’ve “missed” the chance to do what we love and decide that encouraging young women to go after the things we wanted will make up for the opportunity we lost. I see DOPEness in all of the strong black women in my family, immediate and extended, and I’m here because of their willingness to uplift me and ensure that I don’t give up on the dreams that I am more than capable of achieving.

The worst part of it all was I didn’t realize how many people I had unknowingly disappointed in my absence from my gift. As soon as I started writing again the amount of support and encouragement I received from friends and family was so eye opening. I didn’t realize how many people were paying attention to my work back in college, but there has been so much positivity that has come from me taking the risk and jumping out here with my blog that I’m proud of myself for moving forward despite my fears.

Writing isn’t just something I do, it’s a part of who I am. It shows in the way I speak to people, how I interact with people, the way I observe, it’s on my mind when I sleep, and it’s what I want to use to help make a difference in the world and impact the lives of those I connect with. This site is just the first step to my life long dream of publishing multiple books, writing screenplays, and the rest of my entrepreneurial journey to build wealth for my family that’s already here and that hasn’t come yet.

I’m on a path to be married to my love of writing and do everything necessary to keep that flame burning like the greats; Maya Angelou, Zora Neale Hurston, Toni Morriston, Nikki Giovanni, Ntozake Shange, and so many others. Focus on your love and your passion, and remember nobody can tell you who you are. Know who are and stand proudly in that!

I’ve decided to be Determined to reach my goals, Optimistic that the hard work will pay off and my failures will not dictate my success, Powerful because God made me amazing, and Encouraging to those around me to do the same.

Be D.O.P.E. Black Girl!

Not just because you’re the only one that’s your type of DOPE (because NOBODY else is quite like you), but because God gave you that gift, it’s your birth right, you deserve it, and you have a mission to complete.

This is a special thank you to all of the women that have helped mold me into the bold and D.O.P.E. Black Woman I am today; honorable mention: my beautiful mother, my amazingly supportive sisters and my best of best friends. I love y’all!