Something New

I’ve spent the majority of my life trying to figure out who I am. Although, I don’t appear to care what people think of me, I do fear their perceptions of the things I love to call my passions. That fear has controlled me far longer than what I would love to admit, but this is about truth.

I am a multitude of things, maybe not to you, but to me. God has instilled something in me that I know I have hidden away for so many reasons; the main reason being I often don’t believe in myself enough to just do what I love. I fear it not being accepted or understood. I fear not being acknowledged and welcomed. I fear not being as great as the next person and fading into the background.

I fear letting myself down…

This is… my leap of faith and my decision to accept my worth. I have so many ideas and so many gifts that it’s hard to hone in on just one. I am enormously different from my family and have tried to run from those differences ever since my father died. I’ve looked at others and seen how great they succeed and tell myself that I don’t have it in me. I’ve looked in the mirror and repeated hateful words of disgust and ridicule because of my unique physical qualities. I have written thoughts down in this entry and then deleted them and rewritten them to make sure they make sense so many times I’ve lost count, already.

I, am a writer. I love writing. I love sharing. I love relating. I love helping. I love making people smile. Who am I to say my words don’t matter?

This website is a risk. A risk at baring it all and giving a piece of myself to the world whether it is accepted or not. I have imagined it, dreamt it, thought and rethought it for years, and I didn’t believe in it when the people that didn’t believe in me meant more to my ego than what I meant to myself.

I recently watched “A Wrinkle in Time” and Ava Duvernay, along with many other black women, have paved a way for us to do what we love no matter the cost and no matter how great it is perceived by others. The only thing that matters is our own perception of who we are and what we do. This movie reminded me that I have been my own darkness, and in that same breath I am the only one that can be my own light.

Shonda Rhimes said it best “I don’t believe in the phrase aspiring writer, to me it’s just you’re a writer. Go write.”

My two best friends took the time to support my dreams when I didn’t even understand what those dreams were. They encouraged me to move forward and made me feel like I was a role model in this “adulting” thing we’ve found ourselves suffocating in together. Whenever I felt like I hit rock bottom they were there to remind me there was no way I’d even touch the bottom having their love to float on. Black women should be supporting other black women. There’s so many obstacles and people standing in our way already, the last thing we need is to stand in each other’s way.

To J and G, thank you for always pushing me to take it at my own pace and never to give up on what God has blessed me with.

So, if you’re wondering what this is and who I am or why you should stay here, I can’t tell you. But if you’d like to take this journey with me you’re more than welcome to. If you’d like to just do something and stop standing in your own way, let’s go. My passion is to encourage and inspire other black women to use our God given birth rights to effect the world. Even if we think it’s in a small way.

I have a dream to write and I have gotten stuck on how to market and promote something that I haven’t even created the product to market for. I have tried to fulfill my dream in the eyes of others and create something to please everyone but myself. If this sounds like you and you just stumbled my way, stay on the look out because I think God brought you here for something. The same way he brought me here to write this for you.

Let’s see where this takes us.

This is… for black girls that need a little push… like me.

Be D.O.P.E. Black Girl!

- Michelle B