Becoming a Mother

My best friends always laugh at me because when I have a confession I start conversations off a specific way. Haha, here we go.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, last year I started seeing this guy. At the beginning he was more so dating me than I was him, but in the end we got in sync and I decided to let things unwind the way God intended them to. Although, I may have been in denial as he would say, I think I was just skeptical of the male species and their ability to actually do what they say and say what they mean.

And for the record, he is still in the process of proving the things that he says to me are really true and not just hot air.

Anyway, back to him dating me and me living my best SINGLE life. This man set his eyes on me and that was it. Asking me on dates and not giving up until I said yes, giving/sending me flowers randomly (which by the way I haven’t gotten in a while, hmmm), supporting all of my self love and empowerment activities, paying for just about everything (when I can sneak a bill or surprise in I do), and just so many other things that we envision our “dream guy” to do.

We had been acquaintance friends for about 2 years. If you’re wondering what that is; we knew each other through mutual friends, got along really well and could talk outside of said group of friends, but I had a feeling he would eventually start to catch feelings for me. So, I kept him at a safe distance and focused on the guy I was dating at the time, because my man was the perfect match for me and eventually we were going to get married.

The funny things we think in our mid-twenties!

Well fast forward past that nonsensical time back into 2018; I’m single getting over a break-up, on a weight loss journey, approaching 27 quicker than I would like, and most importantly working on my spiritual relationship with God. Our mutual friends got married and we were both at the wedding. We hadn’t talked in a while, and like most times after we hung out with our group of friends, we started communicating again.

Now, I’m one of those millennials that can go without talking on the phone with just about anybody. Text me, it’ll keep a conversation with me going longer. OH but this man likes to talk, and eventually found his way to having me on the phone once a day. Not too long after staying up late talking about everything from relationships to anime and video games he decided I was his wife… and had the nerve to tell me God said I was going to marry him.

Now, one part I left out about why he was originally an acquaintance friend, was he was married (going through a divorce) and had A SON with his soon to be ex wife.

I had been telling this man for weeks I didn’t want to date anybody with children, let alone somebody that had previously been married. In my mind, why would I want to make my fairy tale out of somebody else’s failed marriage and start out with a blended family? I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I refused!

Well, I let him think what he wanted and went on about my SINGLE way in our FRIENDSHIP.

Remember how I said he asked me on dates and wouldn’t give up until I said yes? This is where that started. Talk about persistent.

Of course I caved. If I didn’t, this story would have no purpose. Eventually, I stopped evading his advances and let him be the man he wanted to be to me which leads me to the actual purpose of this story.

Becoming a mother…

While dating this young man I have grown and seeds have been watered in my spirit that God planted and intended for me to let grow and manifest into these amazing gifts to give back to the world.

No, I am not physically pregnant, but I am going through a pregnancy by becoming little man’s bonus mom and honestly, it’s overwhelmingly beautiful.

I have been both terrified and yearning to have kids all my life. Growing up I had to prove I wasn’t going to get pregnant as a teenager, even though sex scared the bejeezus out of me and I felt babies were aliens. That kept me from even trying it and the most frustrating thing was people expecting me to be some sex goddess because of how my body was built and how “pretty” I was. Let me tell you how I refused to indulge because I knew as soon as I did, I would wind up like all the other girls in my high school that had to stop planning their own future and start planning their child’s; while they were children themselves. I commend any of you reading this that had the strength to raise kids from a young age. I knew I didn’t have it in me.

Now, that I am older, and approaching 30 quicker than I imagined possible, my internal clock is ticking. I want kids, yes plural, and I want to be married because these are the things God promised me. I want to give everything I’ve learned to these little people that will grow up, add their own flare to it, and give it back to the world.

Here I was, given a new slate and fresh start to experience life, in ways I should have experienced them in my 20s, to learn myself and become the woman God planned for me to be. Then without even expecting it, in walked this man God knew was waiting for me with an added bonus of a son that I can love on like he’s my own.

I am still growing and learning what it might be to become a mother, but one thing his son has taught me is that it is in me to nurture and protect the way I’ve always wanted. No, my “dream” didn’t come to me the way I thought it would. For a little while I thought, “maybe it isn’t coming at all.”

Initially I felt, and told him of this, how important could I be? I wouldn’t be his first wife if he was right about us getting married, I would never give him his first son. Was I destined to be “second” best? I didn’t want that to be my story, and I did not want to marry him with his baggage.

I didn’t even realize how selfish I was being. I knew I was selfish and didn’t want to share in general, but now I was being selfish by keeping my blessing from two people God walked up  and personally handed to me. God was telling me I had a light to give to them and a life to build with them, but I was worried about being “first”. How disgusting and horrible is that?

When I finally got out of my own way and saw the bigger picture I realized nothing is being taken from me but I am being added to and made whole. All of the things I was missing before are now a part of me and thrusting me to heights greater than I ever imagined.

The best part of this is being pulled into all of the love he shares with his son daily; even when they’re a part from one another. He’s the cutest little thing, and that means a lot coming from me because I do not often think kids are cute… come on now, I used to call them aliens. BUT! This precious little boy with so much joy in his heart, laughter and love for his daddy, who is typically not welcoming to anybody other than his family, has opened his heart to me. What kind of cold hearted person could I be if that didn’t touch my heart and move my spirit?

Luckily I’m not cold hearted and I opened up to the possibility of happiness outside of the scope I expected it to appear in.

Which leads me to my main point.

Don’t block your blessings.

God has something intended for you that doesn’t always come in the package you expect it to, and, sometimes, comes at a time when you’re not even looking for it. Things happen that we can’t control and then things happen that we can control. The man of your dreams is coming and there won’t be any trumpets announcing his arrival. He will be direct, he will be certain, and he will see so much success in you, even the success you haven’t reached yet. Sometimes all it takes is a yes to a date, a phone call, or a simple “hello, beautiful” while walking down the street.

If you were blessed with a nurturing spirit like a mother and you want kids, don’t forget, becoming a mother starts with a hello to their father.

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Be D.O.P.E. Black Girl!