To: The One I Loved

I was never perfect…

You saw all of the amazing things about me that you never found in any other girl, and that attracted you to me. You failed to see all of my flaws until they impacted you, and for that I’m sorry. It’s hard being a brown skinned curvy girl that’s smart, into anime and video games, sassy with every comeback, caring, motivating, financially stable, and overall wants but doesn’t need you. I wasn’t jealous, I wasn’t clingy, I wasn’t some of the things you secretly wanted but publicly hated. I was just me…

I’m sorry I couldn’t become enough for you.

I mean, I know you fought for me… but you also fought me.

I know you couldn’t let go of my thick hips, or fathom a life without kissing my soft lips.
Not to mention being able to stay out late without hearing me trip

I’m every mans dream… only person I ask you to take care of is you with prayers that one day, you’ll want to take care of me.

I stop and ask was it self sabotage… did I stand in the way of my own happiness? I often find the answer to that question embedded in the ways I lay in memories of your sweet kisses. Holding on to the trinkets you left with me…. or rather that I left with. Running like I’ve trained for a marathon to escape the love you’d shower me in.

No matter the reason… I never got to say good bye to the boy I fell in love with. The piece of you I resistantly parted from still reminded me of him, even though he faded fast… but maybe I was also the cause of that.

Ego aside, I did love you, and all your attempts to make me better. I prayed for a covering of your sorts, but turns out I couldn’t stand the weather. I wonder if you still think of me… how far down your road do I go? Do my memories still bring you joy? Does the thought of my voice still make you glow?

Your embrace was like that of God, I never felt so safe. Sweet kisses to my forehead, the warmth of your palm caressing my face.

I never thought I’d leave you, but I always thought I’d fade. Like the version of you before you, we always seemed too damaged for fate.

Your different phases seem to have followed me through life, but I swear you weren’t a dream… Our failed attempts to outlive these roses I still hold near weren’t as avid as they may seem. Anger often flooded our conclusions and eventually developed into this stream.

I never thought I’d have the courage to write you this letter, or even thank you for your attempts to love a broken girl like me. We’ve walked through walls of damage taking hits of unimaginable destruction to stay standing at the end. Every time failing to see the changes that would ultimately be our destruction.

There was a time where you looked at me to silence the noise surrounding you… I never got to tell you, you were my peace, too, and the nights where tears tattered my face because of the distance in our hearts you were the only one I wanted to silence the unspoken anger between us. You pushed and I let you…

I wanted someone’s truth to you to be, “Don’t let her go… no matter what.”

We can work through this…

Seems we’re stuck in the uncertainty of what the other wants, that’s always the issue after walking away from an unexpected love. How do you pick something up where you left it? It’s already broken after being dropped on the pavement and left for dead. The simple answer is you don’t. I’m sorry we met at the wrong time and attempted to be each other’s everything in times of controversy and whispers saying we’d never make it. In some instances maybe we shouldn’t have. To those times I understand growth was the key indicator to succeeding after a failure.

I’m not just speaking to one of you, I’m speaking to all of you.

So many pieces created this heart I taped together to hand to you and just as many misplaced words ripped it a part…

I was never perfect…

I never promised to tell you lies to make you feel better or not persist in efforts to convince you to take better care of yourself, no matter how annoying I could be. My desires of you seldom matched my reality with you, something changed and sparked an updated version of you to emerge. No matter how much I loved you, who I was didn’t seem to fit who you had become. I felt more like an outcast than your partner.

It was either that or I started to feel trapped… depends on the day, year, and relationship. The different versions of you, prompted new templates to me… I experienced a lot of new things I never knew about myself.

You were never a figment of my imagination… I know you were real. I have scars on my psyche from our attachment and detachment, but losing you left bigger voids to fill.

To the one I loved… I never meant to hurt you. No matter who you are…

I never meant to like you, trust you, fall for you, be happy with you, and have dreams of being with you… forever. Because if forever fades I’m still left with feelings of needing you in my life, in my sight, in my arms. Those thoughts left with us this way.

I wanted to hold your hand one more time, wake up next to you and see your eyes glisten in the sunlight.

I guess those are just dreams of the girl inside me that still loves you and always will…

She’ll never forget every part of it was real…